A dream on Saturday, February 7, 2009
I wondered "Is this real?" as I was waking up:
I'm looking in the mirror at my face, and
as I tilt my head slightly, looking up
toward the light, I look at my hair and
it is thinning, graying.
I look at my skin and it is aging.
I look at my face and it looks much much older—
This is not me, or is it?
I am changing so quickly, becoming older.
I am an older man.
I am still only 35, but
it is an older 35.
I look more like I could be 55 or 60.
At 35 going on 60, I feel the years.
I feel sadness: this is not in my control.
Can I accept it?
I look again and my face is suddenly normal.
I am surprised to realize that
how I look depends on how I look at myself.
How old am I?
Is this just a look into the future a little ways?
Is this the older man inside of me
(wanting to get out)?
Yesterday a new friend asked me how old I am, and
I balked a little bit.
I am afraid of what he would think.
I guessed he was a few years younger than I.
"How old do you think I am?" playing games with the question.
I told him,
he seemed a little surprised, but didn't say so.
I asked him how old he is. 28.
That seems about like what I'd guessed.
So I look at my own face in the mirror. How old am I?
How will I be in a few years? When
I'm 40? 45?
50?
One thing I can say, the face I see in the mirror
is me, and it is a kind face.
I thought about my grandfathers when I looked
at my vision of my older face.
I loved them both so much.
As long as I have love
when I am that age, I think I will be a happy man.
Can I accept myself and love myself
just as I am,
and can I share myself honestly with others?
Or will I be
too afraid that I'm not acceptable in some way?
Not acceptable to myself?
